Chapter 1

1. The First Bardic War

Time: 0 - ~8 AC
Post Guide:
Bards Useless?
The Bardic War Still Rages!!

1a. The Spark in the Methane

The history of many civilizations is the history of war. This doubtlessly serves as a comfort to many; as they expire in painful fashions at the hands/tentacles/projectiles/explosives/flatulence of the enemy, they can take comfort in the knowledge they took part in a Historical Event. On This Planet, recorded history began with the First Bardic War, a war as justified and noble as the conflict of Jenkin's Ear. Within the primordial phlegm of the Forum, life was sparked when the bard, Glidward, was disparaged as utterly useless. Consent on this issue was nearly uniform save for one dissenter, Daryl, Demi-Goddess of Bard-Dom, who recounted the numerous (four) tales of heroic bards. Liquid-X disagreed. This was the spark caused by the steel-heeled boot against the cement floor in the methane refinery: the firestorm commenced

[Ed: for no fathomable reason, an Excal from a parallel universe (labeled [alternate]) jumped into this dimension at this time. Excal [alternate] had completed his Canuck Knight training and was able to fight in this war; Excal [normal] was still deep in his apprenticeship and was not.]

In its early moments several important concepts and figures made their first appearances. Daryl's shouta complex (a form of benign pedophilia) was discovered when she hugged the adolescent heroes she summoned to her side. Liquid-X demonstrated that, while a mortal, he commanded formidable powers. Significant was Daryl's introduction of a new weapon, one this author contends should be part of the next START treaty: the Bardic Dating Role-Playing Game (BDRPG). A ghastly amalgam of every dating simulation ever created, and set to a Bardic theme, many a soul would crumble before its pummeling cuteness. Both Daryl and Liquid-X received assistance from third parties, most of it unwanted. SRGPI, Tallpanzer, Excal [alternate], and Section Yea Eighth all assisted Liquid-X in some form or another. Eternity, Krono the Time Mage, and Reako the Summoner originally ran in to help either contender, but fought each other instead. Epsilon X gave both combatants a nickel; the effect of this is unclear. Ultros the Two-Bit Villain tried to kill both Liquid-X and Daryl, and was eaten.

The actual conflict was quite simple. The two powerful entities unleashed lawyers and karaoke and Mentos and Ocarinas and blatant copywrite infringement and, obviously, an unhealthy amount of bards, on each other, most of which boomeranged and smacked them upside their heads. Late in the war, Daryl used her formidable BDRPG on Liquid-X and entombed him in digital space. Ace, an innocent bystander, made a chance comment about the device, and was made its next victim, totally and utterly Bardified. Daryl, possibly blind with pride over the newest addition to the Bardic Hive, made a significant strategic error: she brought Ace to the secret Bardic Hall. The cunning Liquid-X (doubtlessly scarred from the BDRPG) leapt from the shadows and immediately challenged her to resume the fight. Section Yea Eighth leapt to his side and pledged his support, only to be beaten to death by bards. Tensions were high. Was this the final showdown, the last, great, climactic and calamitous clash where the powers of these awesome beings would lay waste to This Planet in their thirst for one another's blood? Nope; they were bored and broke it off.

More significant from a historical point of view were the proxy wars that developed from this battle. Tallpanzer, Excal [alternate], and Epsilon X confronted one another, the result being the Nickle War (see section 2). When, on the subject of useless characters, the topic of moogles came up, the Moogle War began around Leo-X and Epsilon X (see section 3).

After these proxy wars, a Mysterious Force threw Epsilon X backwards in time to the year 10 BC (see Eidolon Saga, section 3c).

1b. The First Bardic War (Alternate Timeline)

In an alternate timeline, Epsilon X did not fight in the Bardic Wars; Eidolon did. Eidolon fought on Daryl's side, but fought for materialistic, not altruistic, reasons, and utilized unscrupulous tactics. After the war, a Mysterious Force shot him to the year 98 AC. He discovered Daryl had been missing since the war's end, and the past version of him had set up some horrible worldwide dictatorship. Eidolon was disgusted, and attempted to return to year 0 and knock some sense into his former self. A Mysterious Force blasted him back to 1000 BC. For more details, see the Eidolon Saga (section 3).

2. The Nickle War

Time: ~5 AC - ~7 AC
Post Guide:
*stands by, ready to unleash a barrage of nickels*
The Third Form of the Bardic/Nickle Wars Commences

Although merely an offshoot of the First Bardic War (see section 1a), the Nickle War was actually more significant in terms of actual character development. Conflict broke out when Excal [alternate], the Canuck Knight, challenged Daryl and Epsilon X, the Nickel Knight, intercepted him. Many a nickel and beaver were lobbed. Excal [alternate] demonstrated several important Canuck Knight techniques and items: the Moose Barrier, the Sword of Good Good Whole Wheat Shreddies, and the G-Gundam Lumberjack mech (destroyed by Epsilon X). Section Yea Eighth introduced the mighty Excalipers into the conflict. The two knights struggled over it, stabbed each other, and accidentally dissolved the priceless artifact. Midway through the battle Epsilon X was hit by a mysterious Vortex of Real Life; presumably, this is what the Mysterious Force used to hurl Epsilon X to 10 BC (see Eidolon Saga, section 3).

After a fight with Tallpanzer, Excal [alternate], and his companion Section Yea Eighth, would obtain a legendary artifact. As Excal [alternate], his opponent vanished, prepared to leave the field of battle, the demi-god Tallpanzer leapt from the shadows and accosted him. Section Yea Eighth then leapt from the shadows of those shadows to assist Excal [alternate] and was promptly mauled. Excal [alternate] could not withstand Tallpanzer's awesome munchkinism, and fell. Excal [alternate] and Eighth embarked on a long journey to train for their next encounter with Tallpanzer. Here they encountered Aosloidion, the Random Encounter, and smote him repeatedly for EXP. After a titanic struggle against Bahamut Zero (how he fit in the tiny cave he was found in is anyone's guess), they emerged triumphant. Excal [alternate] claimed the ultimate New Canadian artifact, the awesome Juno Blade. However, during the fight with Bahamut Zero, he had used the outlawed Aura Gun, changing his class from Canuck Knight to Vigilante. He then traveled back in time through undisclosed means to 3 AC for a rematch against his nemesis, Tallpanzer (see Eidolon Saga, section 3a).

To Chapter 2
Back to History Page
Back to Home